Twilight Rant
by Demoness Drakon
Summary: I enjoyed reading Twilight the first time around, but when I re-read it I noticed a lot of stupidity going on within the pages. So here comes a painful, hypercritical, and very much obnoxious rant done by your's truely, me.
1. The Cullens and Bella

**Drakon: Yo people!! Well, since I feel like just bashing some characters, so Twilight was on that list. All of this is purely my opinion on the characters, so deal with it. I don't own Twilight.**

**RANT TIME!!!  
Twilight Protagonists-Vampires**

Ok, I know 75% of the female population has read the Twilight books; you know, the vampire romance story by Stephanie Mayer? Well, I fall under that category with the 75% that have read the books. Even though I like the series, I've got several criticisms for the characters of the books.

Let's start with Isabella Swan, the protagonist. In my honest opinion; she has no personality that I can see. For the majority of the series he r mind is centered on Edward, or for a short time in New Moon, Jacob. She is also a Mary Sue. Come on, skipping the blood lust of a newborn vampire and having mind shield abilities? Add that to the fact that a stoic vampire fell in love with her, and the fact that she has boys fawning over her and you've got a freaking Mary Sue.

All right, I know I'll get a lot of hate for this but Edward Cullen is seriously overrated. Keeping himself from drinking Bella's blood (keep in mind he didn't even know her yet), pathetic; he should have just drank in. Plus there's the mind reading power; fangirls, he didn't get through college on brains. There isn't a sane person that wouldn't flaunt that gift. Also, the guy is a stalker, he watches Bella when she sleeps; that is stalking!! Oh yeah, due to all the hormones and stuff, it's very much impossible for a guy to remain a virgin for 100 years. Kinda a long time to go without getting something if you catch my drift.

Since I'm on the subject of the Cullen Coven, I'm going to say that I think Carlisle is pretty damn cool. He actually worked hard for 2 centuries to resist the smell of human blood. That's pretty impressive for a guy with no special powers. It's also cool that he got through school on brains alone instead of spaming the mind reading like his 'son'. Hey, Carlisle's abilities are actually logical, so he makes my list of good Twilight characters, and he makes the list since he isn't a Gary Sue.

On Roselie's account I've got this to say: She is a stupid, precautious bitch. I do give her points for hating Bella (Tis natural for Mary Sues to loathe each other.) and trying to use Bella to get a baby. Oh yeah, I also think it was her stupidity that got her turned into a vampire, come on; you know the story.

As of Emmett, I pity you dude. Sure Rose is nice to look at, but the rest of the time, nuff said.

I guess I'll move onto Jasper now. Well, I like him more then Edward; translation, I like his character; I hate the bloke they got for the movie. It's cool since he used to be an actual blood-drinking vampire, and he really has to work at not drinking human blood. Plus, his death isn't all angsty like Rose's and Edward's. So, he takes the place as my favorite Cullen. Though, one thing, I don't really like is that he got paired with Alice.

Speaking of Alice, I'm fairly neutral, I don't loathe her and but I don't love her. I like how she tortures Bella by dressing her up in all the fancy designer clothes (Hell, I wouldn't mind playing Barbie doll for her). But, she doesn't have a personality that isn't the preppy little girl. As for the psychic powers, I think those are sort of cool, all I'm saying. She isn't really a Sue in my opinion since she has her share of problems with her powers and that sort of thing.

The only member of the Cullen Family I haven't mentioned is Esme, and that is similar to what happened in the story. Face it, she hasn't really been mentioned in the story, at all. Thankfully, some fans of her and Carlisle write fan fiction about them, so that is slightly amended.

I suppose the Alaskan vampires are next since they play a decent sized role in the story. I think that most time Edward spent out of Forks was spent in Alaska banging Tanya. Speaking of Tanya, kudos for being a vegetarian vampire; congratulations to her sisters as well for the accomplishment. To Eleazar, good job on leaving the Voltori; I'm impressed you managed to leave. Oh yeah, good job on finding Carmen as well. Too bad Tanya and her sisters haven't found a man yet; they need to find a vampire guy, or transform one of the many human guys they keep getting it on with. All, I'm saying.

Well, I think I've nailed all of the vampire protagonists, no wait, I forgot Nessie. Oh boy, having Jacob imprint on a half-vampire is the biggest amount of bullshit I've heard of. I'm also thinking that Mary Sues are a genetic disorder since that is what Renesmee is. For Pete's sake, if you put her through one of those Mary Sue tests on the Internet, she'd trigger every single thing! Let me break it down for some of you, Nessie has her weird transmission power, and she happens to be quickly advancing beyond average for even a vampire. She is also very pretty according to every single person she has come in contact with. That is a Mary Sue.

**Drakon: OK, this is just the first part of my rant, there is much more to come; including a hell of a lot of Voltori bashing. I better not deprive you idiotic Edward Cullen fangirls from flaming me since I bashed him. But keep in mind; my demon foxes will be having fun with those flamers.  
Jin: Hell yes; the part of my job that is fun *bears fangs*  
Drakon: I'll have part two up as soon as I type it.**


	2. James's Coven and The Voltori

**Drakon: Thanks ****xxApplaudissement Soniquexx for the review, that's why I typed up the next bit of my rant. ****This time, it's the vampire antagonists on the chopping block. I don't own Twilight.  
Jin: If she owned it, Bella would be dead.  
Drakon: That is true, so let the rant begin!**

**Twilight Antagonists- James's Coven and The Voltori**

I may as well continue with the antagonists. I'll start with James. I'm saying it now; he is dead sexy in the movie. As for the books, I like him and his coven since they are the most like actual vampires, i.e. drinking blood, torturing victims, that sort of thing. But the poor saps didn't get a personality since they were the villains; and the only appeared in the first three books and were killed in said books.

As for Victoria and what's-his-name, I really don't give a damn about them, only I do congratulate them both for trying to kill Bella. To bad you failed, you would have been helping the world.

I guess the Voltori is next on the chopping block. I know they are the royal family in the vampire world, but they are doing a crappy job at it. I honestly think those creepy Romanians would do better then them. The Voltori don't do much besides kill stupid vampires that can't keep the secret. That and keeping up with Aro's hobby of collecting vampires with useful gifts. Anyone else believe that sounds kinky? Well, it sounds like that to me, all I'm saying.

You know, the Voltori's guard is a hell of a lot scarier then the guy in charge. For Pete's sake, all of the guard is gifted, and they are sadistic about their powers as well.

Let's take Jane for example. She is a complete little sadist. How can something under five feet tall cause so much mental pain? Ok, discounting my little sister, not a lot of things. Still, I suppose some credit should be given to her for using her power on Edward, I like her for that alone. But, it sucks since her mind burning power doesn't work on Bella, which would have been nice.

Even though Jane's twin Alex heals you of pain, he is no saint. In fact, he's much worse that his sadist of a sister. Imagine if you went around with no sensation whatsoever. Let's just say you'd be dead before you knew it.

Demetri is one of the guard that strikes me as sort of creepy. He is a tracker, and he can follow you wherever. If that isn't stalker-ish, then try running away from him, see how far you get before you die. My bet would be about two miles until dear old Demetri decided to chase you. Nuff said.

As for Caius, well, I don't think he has a power…yeah it was never really mentioned. I like him a lot more then Aro since he has no issues with killing to keep the secret; I give him points for wanting to kill Bella (Is it clear that I hate her?) But I don't know a lot about him, only that Carlisle knew him.

Felix is another one I don't know a lot about, which keeps my opinion neutral.

As for the guard members I didn't mention, I either forgot about them, don't care about them, or can't form an opinion since they rarely appeared in the plot. Mostly the latter though.

**Drakon: Meh, it's shorter, but then again, there isn't a lot about the villians. I guess the werewolves are next on the block.  
Jin: Please, don't review; it encourages her.  
Drakon: Shut up Jin!! Please review though and ignore my very annoying inner self/muse. I don't know what's wrong with the guy.  
Jin: Kill me please.  
Drakon: Anyway, ignore Jin and press that little review button!!**


	3. Twilight Fans

**Drakon: Ok, I know that I was going to rant about the wolves next, but ** **AvatarTwilightObsession**** gave me an idea that I think has never been ranted about; Twilight's fangirls. Anyway, don't own Twilight, don't sue.**

**Rant: The Twi-hards and the Antis**

Ok, I'm done with the vampires of Twilight, but I haven't even nailed some of the crazier parts of the series; it's fans.

I'm saying it now, I am a fan of the series and I happen to re-reading it over and over again. Hell, I also guilty of staying up till midnight to get Breaking Dawn, and then staying awake for three hours reading it until I passed out somewhere in part 3. I even discuss the series with some of my friends, most of which are Edward fangirls.

But I'm saying it now, there are two types of Twilight fans I can't stand; the hardcore ones. In translation, the ones that are completely obsessed with every aspect of Twilight, and the ones that will try and shoot anything that has to do with the series.

I'll start with the hardcore Twilight fans. Ok, I do understand why you love the series; it's romance, and not the smutty sex-every-other-page paperbacks some lovesick people happen to read (No offense people who do read those.) But then you people take it to an extreme. Hey, don't deny it; I've seen Edward Cullen Action Figures at Hot Topic stores and someone has to buy them. Plus I know for a fact that people buy all of those Twilight t-shirts, bags and buttons, I see those at my school all the time. Plus, it's those girls that seem to get really pissed whenever anyone bashes Edward. All I have to say to you fans is that you need to understand that Twilight is a fictional series, and there is no guy as perfect as Edward, so chill out and relax; it will do you some good.

As for the hardcore haters I get your platform, but hey, there are good things about the series. I have criticism for the series; but hey, it's just things that I dislike about the series, instead of destroying every part of the books. Bashers are nearly as bad as the hardcore fangirls. You all nail ever one of us who enjoy a good series. So, instead of being narrow-minded, do us all a favor and open up to the good parts of the books. Believe it or not, there are some very good parts to the series. Just stop burning every copy of Twilight you find. Even I can only take so much.

For the fans in the middle who both hate and love Twilight, I have to give you guys some credit for having enough sense to see both the pros and the cons to the story. So, you have a T-shirt and a movie poster? Doesn't mean you're obessed, you just like the series. You people can even take some crazy chick like me bashing the hell out of Edward. You may not agree with some points, but hey, at least you're not screaming your heads off at me.

So, sorry if any of this offends you; but it needed to be heard.

**Drakon: Ok, not exactly bashing the characters, I'm bashing the hardcores...which almost qualify. I'm not expecting a bunch of happy reviews for this one, since I promised that I'd rant about the werewolves. Flame me if you want for this one; I really don't give a fuck.**


	4. The Wolves

**Drakon: Alright people, I'm back and nailing the werewolves!  
Jin: She actually almost forgot about this until someone reminded her in a review to do these guys.  
Drakon: Yeah...anyway don't own Twilight; if I did Bella would be dead, Edward would have committed suicide and Jacob would have married Leah in the end.**

**Rant Time: The Werewolves!**

All right, covered the vampires and now onto the werewolves, or to be politically correct, 'shape-shifters'. Ok, silver doesn't affect them and they can transform whenever; but most people will always know them by werewolves Meyer. Changing the name doesn't work since the term werewolf was used for at least a book and a half. You could have thought of that earlier Meyer.

As for the actual wolf pack; these guys, and girl were actually pretty cool. A fair number of them have defined personalities, 'a fair number' being the phrase since there are so many wolves that take on the appearance of stock characters. In case you aren't aware of what stock characters are, they are just characters you have to shoot. But since we never really met those members of the pack, it's all-good. As for the members we meet in the series that actually have an effect on the plot, these guys all have a personality.

Oh yeah, and then there's the whole imprinting business. Yeah, last time I checked, the actual definition of imprinting is following and basing one's behavior on the first individual one sees after birth. It doesn't mean love at first sight people. Just thought I'd get that little thought out of the way before discussing the wolves.

Let's start with the man wolf himself, Jacob Black. The poor guy, he spends three and a half books being on the bottom of the lopsided love triangle with Bella and Edward. Well, the plus is that the boy had other interests besides the Mary Sue, such as fixing cars, hanging out with his friends and all that good stuff. Then in a sudden twist in Breaking Dawn, Jacob imprinted on Bella's Mary-Sue of a daughter. Ok, I know that he was planning on killing all the vampires since he was really pissed and imprinting was the only way to keep that from happening. That was one happy ending I believe everyone could have done without since that was the biggest 'WTFH?' moment in the book, and the whole series. Sorry Jacob, you were awesome and then you met Nessie. Happy I'm not you dude!

After him, Seth Clearwater; the guy who managed to make friends with vampires. I have to give him props for trying to keep the peace, and going with Jacob when he left the pack. The dude is also downright helpful and he provides a decent bit of humor in Breaking Dawn. Sadly, besides the significant role he played in the final book, he had no other major parts. Too bad buddy!

Leah Clearwater, Seth's older sister is also a major wolf in the story. Besides the fact that she can understand what goes though Rose's brain in Book 2 of Breaking Dawn; I have to congratulate her for cussing out Bella. It's probably why everyone pretty much knows who she is. She is also the only female werewolf in the story, which is pretty cool. However, she only ever really shows up in the last few chapters of Eclipse and in Breaking Dawn. Oh well, she still has her place as the girl who hates Bella, and still does.

Sam was the original leader of the wolf pack, until Jacob took over. He didn't do a bad job either. The only things he messed up on was when he imprinted on his girl friend's cousin and then proceeded to maul said cousin. I don't think Leah ever forgave him for that messed up relationship. Even though he happens to act like he has a stick up his ass for about 75% of the series; he's still a noteworthy character.

Now for the guy who is most likely to commit statutory rape, Quil! The reasoning behind that, poor bloke ended up imprinting on a two year old. Ouch. I know werewolves don't age, but that is a fourteen year difference or so right? That is very messed up.

Ok, since there are so many wolves, we never did get a lot of information on the other wolves besides their ages. Well, I sadly can't say anything about them since there isn't really anything to say.

**Drakon: I appologize for the shortness; but you have to agree, there weren't a whole lot on most of the wolves.  
Jin: If you look past all of the stuff about the vampires, it's true.  
Drakon: Next up for me is every single non-supernatural person; i.e. Mike, Jessica and that lot. Review if you please.**


	5. Humans

**Drakon: Sorry for the shortness, there really wasn't anything to say about the humans.  
Jin: Since they magically vanished.  
Drakon: That's right; anyway, don't own Twilight, cause if I did, Bella would be dead.**

I suppose I should mention some of the lesser-known characters of the book, the human ones. Well, these people haven't shown up since the wedding in Breaking Dawn. They fell into a very conveniently placed plot-hole. Still, these guys got enough detail for me to rant about them.

Let's start with Jessica, Bella's 'friend', friend in quotations since she thought that Bella was a one-way ticket to popularity in Forks and Mike's heart. She was overly shallow and quite pathetic really. I suppose Meyer had to make Bella look good.

I guess Mike is next. The guy was only there to fawn over Bella and piss off Edward. No other use besides that.

Eric is the same as mike sadly; too bad, he could have been a cool character.

Angela too.

As for Bella's parents, they are there for the reasons of Bella having parents, and being able to show off her talents even more.

Billy Black's main purpose in the story was to introduce the wolf legends, and be Jacob's dad. Well, besides that, zero anything. He practically disappeared in the end of Breaking Dawn. Poor guy, and he was pretty cool too.

Damn, there really isn't anything for the humans. Sorry saps.

I guess that concludes my Twilight rant. There is nothing else in the damn series to tear apart. So I bid you, dear reader, goodbye. For this is the end of the rant.

**Jin: Yup, it's over.  
Drakon: Well, I'll cover all points of it in Telling off Twilight; so all hope is not lost.  
Jin: Review if you please.**


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